As I am writing these words, I feel my mind's reluctance at returning to the world of blogging. Not that it hasn't done wonders in context of helping me grow up, but I almost feel intimidated by the fact that I haven't put down my thoughts for so long. As if I have forgotten to. Although I have been keeping in touch with my writing skills through the many essays that I've written in the past year, I still don't feel confident in my ability to express personal views and opinions. I may have become entranced with politics, science, and history to the point where I could ramble on and on all day about the issues at hand, but it seems like a different sort of reality once I sit in front of a blank paper. 

Even on a day to day basis, when I walk around the office as the new intern, supposedly with a certain breadth of knowledge at hand, I find myself fighting against the English language. Not only does that have a detriment on my confidence, but it simply makes me feel as if I'm regressing and losing all my raw talent. I used to write for days and days on this website. Never did a day go by that I didn't write; it was my escape from the world. Maybe the world has caught up to me, and I am finally meeting it eye to eye. Whatever it is, I feel like a stranger here. The friends I once had are no longer. Some that I once chatted with have already gotten married. So this world is not mine anymore, like it used to be. 

So why am I here? 

Because I'm happy. I used to write when dark clouds loomed over my head. I used to write when my heart got broken. Yes there were some good entries too, but mostly they were fueled by my desire to free myself from my reality. That is no longer the case. Though no one reads this anymore, I suppose I am writing because I don't want to feel that I'm losing something that once was so dear to me. Xanga. I lived here. It was my home. And although I've left it a long time ago, it sticks with me.

My happiness is a by-product of this. All my fears and dreams were laid out for the world to see. I was able to recognize my mistakes and my successes. I was able to change myself into a better person simply by re-reading what I wrote about myself. I gave my mind a new perspective. I realized many things, and I can truly say that I have never been happier in my life. I have found my future-soon-to-be-in-a-few-years husband; I have my education in order; I have finally set goals for myself regarding a career and graduate school; I am finally independant. 

I don't necessarily attribute my happiness to all the blogging I did, but it does contribute to it. Without my writing, without my soul searching, I wouldn't have been able to understand myself at the same level. I matured because of my writing. And now I fear that I've reached a limit and have set obstacles in my way. I envy those who are still here after all these years. It feels as if Xanga has outgrown me and left me behind.

Though I may remain unfulfilled even after this post, it makes me happy to know that people are benefiting from this experience, and one day will look back at it with nostalgia, the same way I am right now. 

Ok so I'm a huge huge fan of MANCOUCH. Really who isn't? They have the best damn funniest posts in the Xanga community. Of course, guys usually do have a better sense of humour than girls. Although I am one girl who can compete with them in this domain

I always find myself reading their entries and replying whenever I have something to say. Today I came upon this post (Women are evil) and definitely did NOT find it funny. I think the internet is being bombarded by idiots these days ( no no I'm not talking about mancouch, I'm talking about individuals who make these stupid videos and post them online for the world to see). Proof comes in the form of this said "girlfriend" from the video. Even as a prank, what she did is anything but tasteful. It's such a low move that it's shocking she actually does have a boyfriend.

In the said video, she aligns mousetraps on her boyfriend's bedroom floor while he is asleep. Her plan is to wake him up in the wee hours of the morning, tell him that his truck is being towed and film him while he is massacred by a bunch of wooden traps. I do not find that funny in any kind of way.

Since when we do accept this kind of behavior? When did we draw the line and make inflicting pain upon others a humorous spectacle? I find it unacceptable. No wonder people will end up saying, "See? girls are total bitches. They are evil incarnate". I do not under any circumstance put myself in that kind of category. I am way way above this kind of behavior and would never tolerate it. I would not associate myself with this type of person. I don't care if it's a prank, if it's a way to get back at him for cheating or any other reason, it's an act of an uneducated person.

I laugh at most videos. Most of them are smart, sometimes they're stupid but with flavor. This one should not be laughed at. It should not be condoned. It should not be accepted by us. I saw comments on this post that said PAWNED! or something along those lines. Really?Really? Put yourself in that guy's position and let us watch you get snapped shut by mousetraps. See how much you'll be laughing then.

YouTube and all these video websites are infected with this kind of behavior. Millions of hits are on them. It seems that we enjoy it when others feel pain, when they are in misery, when they are the center of a so called prank or hazing. Where is the intelligence? Where is the mastery in creating a real video? Any moron can upload anything for the world to see and any moron might end up getting praised. I for one will not subject to this.

Sure, it is Mancouch's goal to talk about manly stuff and to talk about anything concerning women. But I do not find it ok to make it a fact that all women are evil simply because of a girl who doesn't have any decency in her. A girl who shows no sign of having any manners at all. And the sad part is that there are way too many girls like that. Us good ones have no voice at all it seems because we are overshadowed by the idiotic girls. Of course men will be jerks to us once they encounter one of those "idiotic girls". They will have no choice but to believe we are all the same. So for them we are ruined. Thanks a lot idiot girl.

I am not like that and will never be. You can definitely check me off the list "All women are evil".

Before I start with what I have to say today, I would like to point out that Datingish put up my post to them :)
Asthon Kutcher

You know those personality tests and quizzes that somehow always manage to understand what type of person you are perfectly?
This isn't one of those.
What about the astrological signs that convey what's written in the stars above? (I believe that everything they write in books about each of the 12 signs is accurate more or less. There are 12 right? )
Well this isn't a description of my Aries sign.

No. This post shall be a summarized version of who I am and what my qualities are ( from an outside point of view ). I think that we all focus too much on our flaws and we tend to downgrade ourselves. We don't want others to think we are arrogant or that we are superior to them. So we tend to tip on the negative scale when we talk about who we are and what we have accomplished. Especially if the person we are talking to isn't as fortunate as us.
But this is a horrible mistake. Why should we not talk about all our best qualities? If it's the truth, then why lie about it? Why feel bad if you say "Yes I am good looking" or "Yes I am very smart when it comes to this and this and this ". I understand that if you only say that to make yourself look good or if you are seeking empty praises, then you are coming off as a jerk. But if you can back that up, then go ahead and feel good about yourself. I'm not saying that we should all walk around saying "I ROCK" over and over so that in the end we piss off everyone. No. But we should be proud of what makes us unique and acknowledge what our best attributes are.Since everyone is special in their own way, we shouldn't feel threatened if someone has some qualities we don't have or would like to have. Chances are that we have something they don't.

Everyone who knows me, knows I am anything but vain/selfish/self centered. I am a satellite to other people. I try to make them happy, I praise them and I look for the best in people. I never talk too much about myself and I don't try to make myself look good in someone else's eyes. I let them judge me as they like.
So with that said, I am allowed to have one post where I am narcissistic. Where I want to feel good about my qualities, and where I want to let people know what I have to offer and what makes me special.

Like I said, I don't enjoy writing about myself too much so I'm letting someone else do the talking. It's as if I went to a psychologist, told him/her my entire life and then he/she scrutinizes everything, sends me the analysis, the conclusion of his/her research and then I put it here. Except this person isn't a psychologist ( or maybe you are secretly? ). This person wrote to me a message in the form of a pep talk. It turned out that he understood who I am to the core. So it has prompted me to share it with the world. Who doesn't enjoy being praised? Being told that they are good at this and this and that. No one has told me these things in such detail, except my own parents. But hey, how many times do we actually listen to what our parents say to us? We always tend to believe things when strangers or friends tell it to us. It's an outside point of view, and we always value it more.

Here it is.

"Why Roxy Rules"

* * *

I will begin this at the skin, the outside, the external. By looks alone, you will never become a crazy cat lady. You would need to be seriously unbalanced--dangerously so--like "stab you with a fork unprovoked" unbalanced--for guys not to be attracted to you. And maybe the fork still might not deter some guys!

Now I feel strange saying this because I think there's a high chance of it sounding creepy and weird coming from some old internet weirdo like me, but you ARE beautiful. The model scout you met with wasn't just blowing smoke up your pooper, he was stating a fact. It is the case.

So much so that people might look at your profile photo (especially the arm's length one you used for a bit) and say, "That's not her! She's stolen a model's photo from the internet so guys will come to her site!" So much so that the way you look is almost a talent. It must make you feel good on some level to know that--though it's contrary to your character as someone more reserved--that you might be an actor if you so choose.

Of course, that can be dismissed. "I have no control over my appearance. I just happen to look this way." Sure, but your athletic endeavors enhance what your parents gave you.

I will stop talking about your appearance now, because it's the least of the reasons why Roxy Rules. Of course looks fade, but looks are the least of what makes you appealing and is only one of many things that will surely keep you from life in a house full of tabbies or dogs or hamsters or potbelly pigs or emus or ostriches or meeses.

You are VERY intelligent and balancedly so. Some people are artistic, but completely baffled by science and math. Some people's brains are heavily technical, so numbers-centered that they can't relate to people and flesh-and-blood, physical existence.

But you don't have the limitations that come with having either a skilled artistic sensibility or ability or an skilled understanding in math and science. You have both these things. You study calculus. And you are an excellent writer and not just technically proficient--you convey emotion as well has you convey thoughts.

(The reaction you received from "Xangans Unite" was well-deserved. It is an excellent piece of writing.)

But you are a balanced person even more so than that. High intelligence sometimes is coupled with a discomfort or bafflement with the physical. Really smart people can be uncoordinated is what I mean, especially people who are very intelligent in technical things.

Obviously, you are not that. You are as physical as you are cerebral--otherwise how could you play tennis at the level you do? You are as at home in your body as you are in your thoughts.

And you are even FURTHER balanced in your intelligence. Highly intelligent people can sometimes seem almost alien, like emotions and socialization and the ins and outs of being human don't make much sense to them. Further many don't seem much to care about such things, like they're vulgar and frivolous things.

This is the "absent-minded professor" stereotype. People who are highly intelligent, yet have no common sense. People who are "book smart" and yet know and understand little about the world outside the four walls they live in and the skull that separates them from the open air.

And you are not that. You are thoughtful and reflective and insightful. You may have dismissed your long list of what you want in a significant other (and what you bring) as self-indulgent or "fluff", but it's a sign of a balanced and healthy perspective, a balanced and healthy psyche. People more than twice your age are not analytical enough to know what they look for in someone else, let alone to do it in such detail.

Further, you are cosmopolitan in your experience, having lived abroad and being that you are multilingual. I must say as a monolingual American, I am envious! I know only enough Spanish to get me in trouble. I am an excellent mimic, so my accent is quite good, so the impression I make is of someone who is fluent or at least minimally conversant. I say a thing and then I look blankly as a flurry of words I don't understand comes at me!

I can only go by your words, but you seem like a loyal and caring person. You appreciate what others do for you--perhaps too much, to the point of feeling too much pressure to succeed for others rather than yourself. You realize that your friends don't have the advantages you do and you'd like to find a way to help them the way you've been helped.

I wonder, though, if you are not hogging all the good qualities! I think you have too many! Think of other people, Roxy! They will compare themselves to you and feel like they don't measure up.

You said that you'd like to be able to play an instrument. I think this might be dangerous. If you learn an instrument it will mean you can (and are) doing everything! You might become a relationship singularity in that all the guys will run to be with you and you will know no peace! Your problem will be in, "Hm, I can choose any one I want, but which one?" XD hahaha ha!

So regardless of whether you achieve what you'd like in tennis, that's hardly the only thing you have going for you. I'm sure that you will have great things ahead of you and accomplish great things, on the court or not.


I swear I did not copy this from a website randomly
Isn't it nice when people compliment you to the highest degree? Make you see yourself the way they see you?
It's a wonderful feeling. I shall plaster this all over my walls and read it every day so it becomes me, because I have a serious problem of being too negative about myself.

Why do YOU rule