I've decided that being inconsistent in my writing is not such a bad thing after all, especially since all my previous xanga entries have been driven by sadness, loss and loneliness. That was the basic function of this blog, to relieve some of my emotions onto this vast empty space called internet. Somehow it made me feel better about myself, possibly because it made me realize I wasn't alone in my pain. But now I've been lacking the motivation to write simply because well...things have been good. I haven't been complaining, I've really been head on with my plans and taking them one step at a time.

What prompted me to write this entry then if everything is good? The fact that I shed my first tears today for quite a while and shockingly it had nothing to do with a boy or a lost match. It had something to do with me having once again bad luck. But then thinking about it, I realized that it's not that I'm unlucky because I'm not, it's just that when I want things to go my way, they simply don't. But with my overall life yeah I consider myself pretty damn lucky.

I mean, who gets the Sony Ericsson Xperia 2 before it hits the market right? Yeah I had to brag about that since it's really the coolest thing that has ever happened to me. To get something that everyone wants before everyone gets it. Pretty nice feeling I must say.

But to get back to what I was slowly progressing towards. I received a text from this man I've been giving lessons to on a consistent basis. Pretty successful man in his early 30's I would say, pretty good looking by normal standards, drives a dream car, is enthusiastic about tennis and always makes me do two hours nonstop with him. I told him a few days ago that I would be out of town for the weekend (Toronto) and that I would text him if I come back earlier to do a lesson during the weekend possibly. Of course, the only reason I came to Toronto was to risk getting into a tournament. A tournament I was so far out of but thought, hey why not try since my Swiss friend will be there with me and my Russian friend whose brother and boyfriend are in the NHL...at least I would have friends to hang out with. So, I got here to Toronto and of course I didn't get into the tournament and my Swiss friend was the last one to get in. That's when I cried a few tears. That's how badly I wanted to play this tournament. I have fallen in love with tennis all over again lately and I want to be on court as much as I can. It's not even about the money or the results, it's just about getting to do something I love doing. What person is luckier than that? Who doesn't want to spend all day doing what they love, even if they aren't as successful as somebody else? It's just about living your life the way you want to, regardless of the whispers and the doubters out there.

So after I realized that once again my luck has failed me when I most counted on it, I texted the man to tell him I would be there on Sunday for a lesson, which prompted him to write me a strange looking text. He said that it was too bad that I didn't get in...but that he liked the fact that I took a chance. "I like that". As in, I like that in a woman, to take risks and chances. That's how it sounded. Now, I really wish I could jump into people's heads and take a look at myself from their point of view. I don't see what they see. I once asked him (guy who stole my heart) what his first impression was of me...and I never got an answer, we kind of deviated from that but he said that as a guy he recognizes when a girl has low self-esteem and wants attention, and when a girl is a head on challenge, that she doesn't back down in front of anyone. He put me in that second category.
Picture a movie scenario where a guy is lying in bed with a book in his hand and the girl is on his chest, eyes locked and they share a nice kiss, after that she looks at him square in the eyes and says "Is this your plan? To drive me crazy?" In which he replies "I told you...with you I have no plan". This truly happened, with those exact actions and exact words. It really was a movie with him...and like he always said to me "Great love stories always have sad endings".

That's me. The girl that guys can't seem to decipher. That they look at with admiration and curiosity. The only reason why I can confidently say this is because it's what I've been told. It's not what I see, it's not how I feel. By coming here to Toronto for this tournament, I was doing something I loved. I risked all my opportunity costs. Willingly. But when he texted me saying that he liked the fact that I took a chance...I tried to see myself through his eyes. Now I'm starting to think that he might actually like me. Of course what man in his 30's doesn't want a 21 year old right? It just kind of makes me second guess things right now and I'm feeling slightly uncomfortable since a few days ago as well, my hair stylist gave me his cell number...This mid 30's man I've been going to get hair cuts from for about 2 years has told me we should "hang out". Hmm...secret code for me changing hair salons I believe.

I won't get into details about what is going on in my life, I'm learning to keep that to myself and to press on with what is put on my plate daily. It seems that at any moment I could move anywhere in this world. That's how crazy and unstable things are right now. I have so many directions I can take and I'm stuck trying to figure out which one is best. So I'm simply enjoying the moment for now and what it brings me.

Yesterday would have been our 3 years together. Yesterday we would have celebrated in our own way, even with the distance we would have.

Would have...the best words ever put together. It displays hope, it displays everything that might have happened had things remained the same. We know the sequence of events that would ensue, if something didn't break in the past. But something broke and the would have is just some imaginary vision only our brains can establish, it's not reality anymore. But it would have been.

I am dreaming quite strangely these nights. People who meant a lot to me at some point appear, and people who still mean a lot appear. I can't keep waking up this way, so empty and powerless to make the dreams real. I want them to be oh so real. They just remind me of how happy I could have been, if things went another direction. Completely different direction. But we can't force reality to mirror our dreams, unfortunately.

My life is so chaotic yet it remains still. Unmoved, yet going at such a rapid pace that I cannot keep up and I am left behind wanting to crawl into bed and never come out. I have too many thoughts running through my head, too many options. Options can really kill a person.

So for now, I'm just waiting. I'm waiting for something that might not even happen, isn't that just the worst thing ever. Waiting. Not knowing for what exactly but knowing you have to wait. Because after you wait, your life changes. You know it will change.

I'll let you know when I stop waiting.

I learned a good lesson today. That the heart is always right, no matter what. It may be hard sometimes to accept some things but the heart always knows the truth. I refused to believe he didn't feel anything for me, even after months of not talking. My friends all tried to take my mind off him, trying to tell me that it's better that we aren't on speaking terms so that we can both move on. My mother telling me that I attach myself too strongly to people and places and that he probably took it as a fling and that I should just move on already. But no one knows how I felt, how he felt. Only we do.

Only I know how he looked into my eyes when he woke up next to me. Only I know the way he smiled at me when I said something that didn't make sense. Only I know how he held my hand without letting go. So thank you everyone for trying to make me let go, but as long as my heart had hope in him, it was impossible to move on. Somehow deep inside I knew it wasn't over, even after all these months.

When I sent him that letter last night, pouring my heart out to him, I knew it still wasn't over. I was really hoping to receive a good email but I knew that if I didn't, at some point he would come back to me. Last night was the moment he came back. I went to sleep peacefully and not with an exploding heart as always, but around 3 am, I woke up. I went to check my messages and there he was. A reply.
My heart jump started immediately but the moment I saw the word WOW, I knew I had stunned him with my letter.

I won't post his email because it's personal and I want to keep it to myself forever but I will say a few things he said to me that made me melt inside again. Just one word from him makes me happy.
He called me Pudel again, his little nickname for me. He said that as a person who never cries, he was on the verge of tears upon reading my letter. He said that he wished he were Shakespeare so he could write something as beautiful as I did and that he is ashamed that he is not a writer right about now. He continued on saying that he always knew I was the one person he could tell anything to and that I'm the one he compares all the girls to. He said they only beat me in the category of "being able to keep quiet". :) Always putting some sarcasm in his lines, which I love.

To know that he holds me to a high standard, just the way I do with him, tells me so much. I am still in his heart.
He went on saying that I should go do what I have to do and to take all the time I need but that he will not let me go because we are great together, so if it's goodbye, it's only for a moment.

I also loved when he said " I didn't know it would hurt that much to have one less friend on facebook ;) "

He finished with, love Alex.

Love.

He is the most important person in my life, and I do not understand why. This feeling I have is brand new, never felt it before. Just thinking of him makes the world right. Just knowing he lives out there is enough to make me happy. I think this is what it's supposed to feel like when you find "the one", if you believe in such a thing. I think I finally do. When someone hits you as hard as he hit me, then it's not just a fling, it's real. And it doesn't matter if you only know him for one day, if the feeling is there, it's because your heart knows that this person..this person is someone you should really hang on to.

I hope he doesn't let me go. He has my whole heart and he knows it now. It's just up to him to be a man and make the right decision. For now, we are staying away from each other. I replied to his email but I do not think he will write back. If he does, then it will be incredible, but I'm not sure I can handle talking to him without him being mine. So I took the decision to keep him deleted from facebook and to try and live my life without thinking too much about him and whatever happens happens.

But last night, I was the happiest girl in the whole world.